Have you ever just had a day where nothing seems to go right? Wake up on the wrong side of the bed, get in the shower and think about every wrong decision you've ever made. Think about how much your life would be different if you took a different path. As the water hits you to cleanse you of the physical dirt on your body, you wish that there was a shower to clean you of your mental and emotional dirt.
Today is one of those days. This blog isn't meant to be read by others even though I am putting it on that platform. Instead, this is just me getting my thoughts out because lately I have felt like I can't tell anyone how I feel for fear I'll just hear either unsympathetic remarks like "I told you so" or empty apologies by those who care for you but are too busy dealing with their own problems.
The most honest thing I can say in this is that I am not perfect. I am human and I fail daily. In fact, I probably fail with every breath I take. I have been in both parties that I aforementioned. I too have been wrong of accusing people that I knew what was right for their life and when they were in my position, I took the opportunity to put myself on a pedestal so they could feel even worse for their decision. I also have been too busy for other people's problems. Was too selfish to look outside of myself and help those who were in need. I do it a lot even though I tell myself I don't. Those little lies that make me bearable to myself.
Today is that day that the demons in my head are speaking too loudly for me to bear anymore. It's one of those days where I wonder why I even have friends. Why I even have family that talks to me. It's apparent I don't give back anything to any of you. I don't have much good inside of me. Don't know if there was any in there in the first place. If you think there was then I must have done a good job of acting like there was.
I don't know how many of you know this, but I wasn't supposed to be here. I am not saying my parents had me by accident, but what I am saying is that if my family's history would have been different, then I would not be here. My parents wanted to have two children and that was it. My mom had my older sister, Jessica. Then about 6 years later, my mom got pregnant with Kelly, my other older sister. Once they had Kelly, my mom's tubes were going to be tied and that would have been that. I wouldn't have come into existence. Well, sadly, my older sister Kelly died in the womb from suffocation of the umbilical cord wrapping around her neck. It devastated my family. Later, they healed and decided to try again. Lo and behold, I came into the picture and had to be born a week earlier for my safety because I was wrapping the cord around my neck too.
I didn't give much thought to it growing up; what my sister's sacrifice meant to my life. But now that I am older and having one of the worst mornings in my life, I can't help but bare the thought of how much life would be different if my sister Kelly would be here, instead of me. Call me selfish, call me twisted or evil, but I am being honest. Something I need to be more of.
I hurt in a lot of ways. Most of them are my fault, of course. I'm in need of a healing, but I don't deserve it.
There's a lot that I want to say. A lot that I want to scream and shout about, but at times I feel discouraged. What's the use of wasting my breath when the words won't be read or listened to?
Today I feel lower than dirt and sometimes I wonder if that's where my place is.
Today is one of those days. This blog isn't meant to be read by others even though I am putting it on that platform. Instead, this is just me getting my thoughts out because lately I have felt like I can't tell anyone how I feel for fear I'll just hear either unsympathetic remarks like "I told you so" or empty apologies by those who care for you but are too busy dealing with their own problems.
The most honest thing I can say in this is that I am not perfect. I am human and I fail daily. In fact, I probably fail with every breath I take. I have been in both parties that I aforementioned. I too have been wrong of accusing people that I knew what was right for their life and when they were in my position, I took the opportunity to put myself on a pedestal so they could feel even worse for their decision. I also have been too busy for other people's problems. Was too selfish to look outside of myself and help those who were in need. I do it a lot even though I tell myself I don't. Those little lies that make me bearable to myself.
Today is that day that the demons in my head are speaking too loudly for me to bear anymore. It's one of those days where I wonder why I even have friends. Why I even have family that talks to me. It's apparent I don't give back anything to any of you. I don't have much good inside of me. Don't know if there was any in there in the first place. If you think there was then I must have done a good job of acting like there was.
I don't know how many of you know this, but I wasn't supposed to be here. I am not saying my parents had me by accident, but what I am saying is that if my family's history would have been different, then I would not be here. My parents wanted to have two children and that was it. My mom had my older sister, Jessica. Then about 6 years later, my mom got pregnant with Kelly, my other older sister. Once they had Kelly, my mom's tubes were going to be tied and that would have been that. I wouldn't have come into existence. Well, sadly, my older sister Kelly died in the womb from suffocation of the umbilical cord wrapping around her neck. It devastated my family. Later, they healed and decided to try again. Lo and behold, I came into the picture and had to be born a week earlier for my safety because I was wrapping the cord around my neck too.
I didn't give much thought to it growing up; what my sister's sacrifice meant to my life. But now that I am older and having one of the worst mornings in my life, I can't help but bare the thought of how much life would be different if my sister Kelly would be here, instead of me. Call me selfish, call me twisted or evil, but I am being honest. Something I need to be more of.
I hurt in a lot of ways. Most of them are my fault, of course. I'm in need of a healing, but I don't deserve it.
There's a lot that I want to say. A lot that I want to scream and shout about, but at times I feel discouraged. What's the use of wasting my breath when the words won't be read or listened to?
Today I feel lower than dirt and sometimes I wonder if that's where my place is.
