No Rest For The Wicked

Have you ever just had a day where nothing seems to go right? Wake up on the wrong side of the bed, get in the shower and think about every wrong decision you've ever made. Think about how much your life would be different if you took a different path. As the water hits you to cleanse you of the physical dirt on your body, you wish that there was a shower to clean you of your mental and emotional dirt.

Today is one of those days. This blog isn't meant to be read by others even though I am putting it on that platform. Instead, this is just me getting my thoughts out because lately I have felt like I can't tell anyone how I feel for fear I'll just hear either unsympathetic remarks like "I told you so" or empty apologies by those who care for you but are too busy dealing with their own problems.

The most honest thing I can say in this is that I am not perfect. I am human and I fail daily. In fact, I probably fail with every breath I take. I have been in both parties that I aforementioned. I too have been wrong of accusing people that I knew what was right for their life and when they were in my position, I took the opportunity to put myself on a pedestal so they could feel even worse for their decision. I also have been too busy for other people's problems. Was too selfish to look outside of myself and help those who were in need. I do it a lot even though I tell myself I don't. Those little lies that make me bearable to myself.

Today is that day that the demons in my head are speaking too loudly for me to bear anymore. It's one of those days where I wonder why I even have friends. Why I even have family that talks to me. It's apparent I don't give back anything to any of you. I don't have much good inside of me. Don't know if there was any in there in the first place. If you think there was then I must have done a good job of acting like there was.

I don't know how many of you know this, but I wasn't supposed to be here. I am not saying my parents had me by accident, but what I am saying is that if my family's history would have been different, then I would not be here. My parents wanted to have two children and that was it. My mom had my older sister, Jessica. Then about 6 years later, my mom got pregnant with Kelly, my other older sister. Once they had Kelly, my mom's tubes were going to be tied and that would have been that. I wouldn't have come into existence. Well, sadly, my older sister Kelly died in the womb from suffocation of the umbilical cord wrapping around her neck. It devastated my family. Later, they healed and decided to try again. Lo and behold, I came into the picture and had to be born a week earlier for my safety because I was wrapping the cord around my neck too.

I didn't give much thought to it growing up; what my sister's sacrifice meant to my life. But now that I am older and having one of the worst mornings in my life, I can't help but bare the thought of how much life would be different if my sister Kelly would be here, instead of me. Call me selfish, call me twisted or evil, but I am being honest. Something I need to be more of.

I hurt in a lot of ways. Most of them are my fault, of course. I'm in need of a healing, but I don't deserve it.

There's a lot that I want to say. A lot that I want to scream and shout about, but at times I feel discouraged. What's the use of wasting my breath when the words won't be read or listened to?

Today I feel lower than dirt and sometimes I wonder if that's where my place is. 

Finding The True Definition To Vanguard.

vanguard |ˈvanˌgärd|

noun

1. a group of people leading the way in new developments or ideas: the experimental spirit of the modernist vanguard.
2. a position at the forefront of new developments or ideas: the prototype was in the vanguard of technical development.
3. the foremost part of an advancing army or naval force.

I never knew that this word would follow me around my entire life, but it has. It always amazes me that the human mind decides to focus on certain themes and occurrences depending on whatever is going on in your life at the time. This would be one of those times for me. 

I am going to be upfront and honest about what this post is about since I am trying to define vanguard within my own life. In case you didn't know about certain events within my life recently, here is the major announcement. I, Geoffrey Mason, am gay. Always have been. Always will be.  I haven't written those words down in a status update or in a post until now. There have been references and of course, my recent relationship change to Mr. Kenneth Averell has definitely clued in a lot of people. 

I understand that this announcement doesn't sit well with a lot of people. Especially those who are close to me in my family, a few in the Christian community and of course some who are in the military and ROTC. Of course this isn't easy to take for them, but it also isn't easy for me to deal with the rejection that goes along with it. I am a strong individual on most accounts and this is definitely a test to see how strong my emotional fortitude is as it seems many have turned their back on me. 

Let me first say that me being gay has not affected my relationship with Christ whatsoever. In fact, I feel like it has strengthened it and I do know that He still loves me and I love Him. I was saved when I was twelve years old and from that moment our bond has never been broken nor will it ever be. When I first started to notice that I had strong feelings for men, I was scared and confused, which is why I suppressed and hid it for so long. I prayed with all my might for God to take these feelings away and felt that if I was a better Christian then he would answer my prayers. That never happened because I realized that wasn't the prayer I was supposed to be praying. I know now that all God wanted me to do was accept my identity and trust that He would still love me. This realization took me the better part of ten years. 

I understand that there will still be backlash and if you do care to discuss my identity in Christ more, then you can feel free to privately message me and I will get back to you. I say this as a warning because if you attack me with comments publicly, you can be sure that I have plenty of friends and family who are willing to stick up for me. I am strong and will politely reply back, but I can't say the same for those who love me.

Moving on to the main point of this post, let me go back and explain why the word vanguard keeps coming up in my life. For about 8 years of my life, I went to Vanguard Church in Colorado Springs, CO. The church is pastored by Mr. Kelly Williams, who is one of the most influential pastors that I know. He is right up there with my uncle, Mr. Mark Landess of Nor'wood Bible Church and Mr. Chad Bennett of Monett Community Church. All of these men, along with inspirational youth pastors (Mr. Kutter Calloway and Mr. Dave May) have all had their hand in helping me grow in my relationship with Christ. At Vanguard, I went through the years of youth service, Wednesday night Bible studies, Saturday and Sunday Services, volunteering, making coffee, Vacation Bible School...on and on...I loved going to Church and growing with others while serving the Lord. It was one of my favorite places to be and looking back on it now, it is something I miss terribly. 

Going to one service at Vanguard, any one would realize that it is not like any "normal" church. The greeters are warm and welcoming, there is a cafe to get your morning boost of espresso (just in case the Spirit of Christ wasn't enough to perk you up on Sunday), the worship music (oh my gosh, the worship music of Fike & Dana), the pastor's words that directly hit you at your core and left you a changed person forever...all of these things were exactly what Vanguard was about. They were the cutting edge and they wanted to be at the front lines of the souls for others. Their mission statement is exactly what has been implanted into my own life's mission statement. "To love others into a REAL relationship with Christ."I sadly haven't been doing a good job of that, but I am working on it. All of this is to say that Vanguard instilled in me a need to want to be on the front lines of whatever issues were at my heart and to stand strong for my convictions. My sexual orientation is a conviction of mine and I will stand strong on this issue.

There have been a lot of people who have told me to start separate Facebook profiles so that I can keep my personal affairs separate from others who may potentially not agree with my "lifestyle choice". I put that in quotations for those who think that a different sexual orientation is a choice. It is not a choice. It is part of someone's unconscious identity. It grows as a part of you just like your eye color stays with you for your entire life. No one got to choose that identity. It just is a part of who they are. My answer to creating separate profiles is easy. It won't happen. This is my identity and I am not hiding it from anyone. When I look back at my life, I want to know that I was strong in my own convictions and that I was on the forefront of this issue. There will always be bigots, racists, chauvinists, etc. in life. There is no getting around that. It is how you deal with them that matters and this is how I am deciding to deal with them. 

Now from what I have said before, it may seem as if I have had a terrible time coming out, but that is not the case. I have been pleasantly surprised by how people have reacted to the news. I can't tell you how blessed I am to have the friends and family in my life who have been there for me and who have poured out their love to make sure I am comforted. I cannot thank you all enough for what you do. 

And to wrap up this very long post, I would like to talk about my future and one of the biggest blessings in my life thus far. As mentioned before, I am now in a relationship with Mr. Kenneth Averell and it has been a whirlwind ever since we met. When I was at one of the worst moments in my life, he came in and helped me to regain some purpose in it. With him, I feel safe and secure. The future looks bright when I talk to him and that's exactly how it should feel. 

With love to all,

Geoffrey 

P.S. And Lord, if you could please listen to the video below, I think David Crowder does a good job of expressing my thanks to you! 

Procrastinating Bum

It's times like this that I wonder why I intentionally bring myself to dread, fear and pain. I knew this was coming, but OH NO, I just had to procrastinate. See present self is yelling at former self wondering why he was such a lazy bum and didn't do his work. Lazy past self mumbles something about the joys of laying in bed and relaxing. And it is at this moment that present self tries to murder past self because he was such a selfish jerk, but alas he can't because past self lives in a different time and present self hasn't learned how to conquer quantum mechanics (although if present self did learn quantum mechanics, suddenly his problems wouldn't be so bad as he would be rich and famous).

Diagram of how I treat every single assignment

So now present self is thinking he's all bad and tough because he was SO productive today. The problem though is he thinks about how much better his situation would be if he had done it when he was supposed to do it and how much free time he could be having now. His whole world open to the vast possibilities of wonder and excitement. No late nights staying up studying and trying to get work done just so he can pass classes, but instead EXCEL in them.

No. No, this is not what the current situation is. And it makes present self very sad...that is all.

Stress

I'm not good at handling stress. In fact, it is the one thing that I wish I never had in my life. I know there are doctors out there who say that there is "good" stress and it kicks us into high gear and makes us better human beings and toughens us and yada yada yada...

Truth is, I feel that much of my adult life has seen nothing but stress. Most of this stress (if not all of it) is my fault and I do take responsibility for that. The problem is that my stress doesn't cause this induced-fear-panic-motivation thing that it does in other people. For the most part, it turns me even more sluggish and apathetic. It really is like a war is waging on inside of my own mind and it drives me nuts. Especially as I am currently dealing with some of the heaviest stress-inducers in life.

I'm scared. I will be as honest as I can be with that. I think I would be stupid and crazy not to be. I always thought that being an adult as a kid was going to be awesome. I would get to live my life however I saw fit. I know this isn't a breakthrough in human thinking and that everyone has thought the same thing in life. I am merely putting it out there for my own sake because these words and ideas that I am laying out here have always been up in my brain and now I need something tangible to grasp onto.

I'm sure when I get older and past this stage of my life, I will look back and think that I was crazy to worry. That I was glad things worked out the way it did. I can say the same thing as I look back on my high school self. I killed myself for good grades and to do as much as I could to get into this school that I know loathe and cannot wait to escape.

But like my mom says, "You are the one who got yourself into this mess. No one could tell you different. You were going to go to that school no matter what anybody said."

And she was right. I had all these dreams and aspirations. I was going to go to Mines and kick butt. I was going to be one of the best geologists the world had seen. I believed I could do it and that I loved my field of study so much that nothing could stop me.

Nerd detour: if I was a rock, I would be limestone. Highly unstable and susceptible to the elements of nature. So if my environment changes for the worst, then I am pretty much ruined.

And my sub-class would be Tufa because why not?

Sorry for the ADHD, but I just needed to throw that out there so others could understand how my brain thinks. (Seriously, it astonishes me how many friends I do have and that you all still talk to me. You should have ran away when you had the chance)

I think what I am getting at here is that I have no clue how this whole thing is going to turn out and that scares me. The important thing that I need to remember is that I do have awesome family and friends. I know when it comes to my family, I am not the best at anything (communication, letting you know how much I love you all, being present for things, visiting, etc.) and I need to change. I am working on it. I promise. But luckily I know that you all have patience for me and that you all love me.

In closing, thank you. 

In Eustace's Shoes

This is a post from a couple of years ago. Lately, I have been feeling the same way and decided to post in on my blog. Here it is:


For a long time now I have been thinking about my relationship with God. I have believed that ever since I asked Jesus into my heart that I have had a relationship with Him, but now that I am in college, I feel lost and confused. The daily grind of college life has gotten to me and I feel that the devil has grabbed a hold of my heart. In my heart he has sown his evil fruits (basically the opposite of the fruits of the Spirit) and the thorns and weeds of which have spread throughout the veins of my body. When I think about this, I think about the parable of the sower that Jesus told: 

"That same day Jesus went out of the house and sat by the lake. Such large crowds gathered around him that he got into a boat and sat in it, while all the people stood on the shore. Then he told them many things in parables, saying: "A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. He who has ears, let him hear."

The disciples came to him and asked, "Why do you speak to the people in parables?"

He replied, "The knowledge of the secrets of the kingdom of heaven has been given to you, but not to them. Whoever has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him. This is why I speak to them in parables: "Though seeing, they do not see; though hearing, they do not hear or understand. In them is fulfilled the prophecy of Isaiah: 'You will be ever hearing but never understanding; you will be ever seeing but never perceiving. For this people's heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them.' But blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear. For I tell you the truth, many prophets and righteous men longed to see what you see but did not see it, and to hear what you hear but did not hear it.

Listen then to what the parable of the sower means: When anyone hears the message about the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what was sown in his heart. This is the seed sown along the path. The one who received the seed that fell on rocky places is the man who hears the word and at once receives it with joy. But since he has no root, he lasts only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, he quickly falls away. The one who received the seed that fell among the thorns is the man who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke it, making it unfruitful. But the one who received the seed that fell on good soil is the man who hears the word and understands it. He produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown."

In a way I feel like all three of the seeds that fell on bad soil. Sometimes I feel each of them separately but lately I feel like a combination of all of them. The only way that I can think of to get rid of this is to have a "farmer" come and pull the weeds from deep inside and chop down the thorns that choke the life in me. 

Another example that I turn to is from "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader" by C.S. Lewis. In the novel, there is a boy named Eustace who finds a cave full of treasure and he begins to stuff his pockets full of the plunder. As he rests that night, a spell falls over Eustace and he starts to change until he finally realizes that he has changed into a dragon himself. Due to his transformation, Eustace loses all of his friends because they start to believe that he is something that he is not. Eustace longs to be with his friends again and to be rid of this condition, so he cries out to Aslan. Aslan tells Eustace that changing back into a boy will be a painful process and so Eustace decides to go along with the procedure. For Eustace to change back, Aslan has to use his claws to tear away the dragon skin and expose the boy. This greatly hurts Eustace, but in the end he is back to his original form, but Eustace is truly changed and begins to believe in Aslan.

So what do I take away from this? 
I need to be more honest with people. I need to develop a better relationship with the people around me and more importantly God. I need to start sowing the fruits of the Spirit. I know this isn't an easy process. Nothing worth doing is easy. But I am prepared to do it. That's why I have written this. Its a contract to myself. Something that is real and I can come back to. Its a step forward.

Work Memories

I have worked my fair share of part time jobs and I have to tell you some of the best moments that have made me look back and laugh (or cringe).

1) Mona Lisa Fondue Restaurant (Position - Food Runner)
Ok, so this was my first job and this was this a NICE job. The most cultured first job a kid could ask for. I worked as the food runner and it was my responsibility to go grab the food orders and bring them to the wine cellar. There are so many memories and so I will begin with the most memorable.

We wore white collared shirts and when you are handeling cheese and wine glasses, stains are bound to happen. Our work prepared for this and bought these amazing SHOUT wipes to help with on the spot corrections and these little sheets of awesomeness worked way too well...

The Holy Grail of Laundry

See, I had spilled some wine on me when I put an empty glass in the dishwashing rack. There was a big red stain on my shirt and I was not happy. I quickly grabbed a SHOUT wipe and started to rub the stain out and to my surprise it was back to being as white as Ivory soap. I was so amazed by this, that I needed to tell all my coworkers the wonders of the SHOUT wipe. I turned to one of my female coworkers and began to explain what the miracle of what just happened. She was impressed by them too, but was upset that the wipe did not remove the cheese stain around her chest area. Without thinking...again without thinking...I proceeded to take the wipe and rub vigorously around "that" area. It was only when my sister came into the kitchen and yelled, "GEOFFREY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!" that I realized the horror of what I had just done. Needless to say the lady was mortified and I became the kid who helped out way too much...

2) Colorado School of Mines (Position: Summer Conference Assistant)
Lots of memories from the two summers I worked in this position. The most memorable of which is when I had a fake marriage with one of my coworkers to play a prank on all of the other SCA's. There are pictures to prove it and we went all out:

Our coworkers weren't too happy to hear that it was all a prank and that they had to get up early and dressed up for nothing. We didn't mind at all though, considering it made the time pass quickly and we got free cake out of it.

Another great memory of stacking all the pillows we could find into one of the worker's bedroom:

3) Colorado School of Mines (Position - Student Center Desk Worker)

And last but not least, the time where I was working the Student Center Desk and had a squirrel run into the building. I was on the last half-hour of my shift and was working on some homework, when I noticed something small run past the desk. I honestly thought it was my imagination until something peered around the corner of the desk and I noticed something very small and furry. I couldn't believe that a squirrel actually got into the building and all I could think about was "Crap. How am I going to get this thing out of the building?".

Pictured: Pure EVIL!

Luckily, the building had only two students in it at the time and I thought I could try to maneuver the little guy out without bothering them, but of course he ran by them and I had to alert the students to the problem. They tried to help and we almost had him out a couple of times but to no avail. Unfortunately, the rest of the story is confidential and for the protection of the school cannot be told any further.

So there you have it. Some of the most memorable moments from my working past. I hope you got a good laugh at my expense.

Creeper Status

So apparently to my friends, I am known as "the creeper". This is probably a very accurate statement. I really don't mean to be, but I have this problem of wanting to know everything about everyone that I have met. The problem is that I am actually very good at doing this...and its all thanks to Facebook and having a very, very active social network outside of the internet.

But I don't think my creepiness ends at my "Facebook stalkerisque" techniques. No...it goes a lot further than that.

I apparently have this really bad habit of staring off into space in the direction of one of my friends. And I just stare for a really, really long amount of time. Also, I don't have self control when it comes to doing really awkward things like standing uncomfortably close to one of my friends.

Luckily, I have a good support group of friends that let me know I do these things and that it creeps them out and they still accept me as a friend for it.

To my friends: your support though has actually turned into a game of sorts for me though. It's called "The Line" test and I am constantly pursuing where that line is and how far over I can cross it...and I have crossed it...many, many times.

It's a good thing to know where that line is because I can actually gauge my level of how open I really can be to that person. So for those of you that I am "extra" creepy around, I probable have not found that line yet.

So if you are reading this and are officially creeped out, then mission accomplished. See, I really am good at this game. :)

And if you are one of my friends and read this, can you please comment and let me know some specific moments of awkwardness/creepiness that you have experienced with me. Can't wait!