Procrastinating Bum

It's times like this that I wonder why I intentionally bring myself to dread, fear and pain. I knew this was coming, but OH NO, I just had to procrastinate. See present self is yelling at former self wondering why he was such a lazy bum and didn't do his work. Lazy past self mumbles something about the joys of laying in bed and relaxing. And it is at this moment that present self tries to murder past self because he was such a selfish jerk, but alas he can't because past self lives in a different time and present self hasn't learned how to conquer quantum mechanics (although if present self did learn quantum mechanics, suddenly his problems wouldn't be so bad as he would be rich and famous).

Diagram of how I treat every single assignment

So now present self is thinking he's all bad and tough because he was SO productive today. The problem though is he thinks about how much better his situation would be if he had done it when he was supposed to do it and how much free time he could be having now. His whole world open to the vast possibilities of wonder and excitement. No late nights staying up studying and trying to get work done just so he can pass classes, but instead EXCEL in them.

No. No, this is not what the current situation is. And it makes present self very sad...that is all.

Stress

I'm not good at handling stress. In fact, it is the one thing that I wish I never had in my life. I know there are doctors out there who say that there is "good" stress and it kicks us into high gear and makes us better human beings and toughens us and yada yada yada...

Truth is, I feel that much of my adult life has seen nothing but stress. Most of this stress (if not all of it) is my fault and I do take responsibility for that. The problem is that my stress doesn't cause this induced-fear-panic-motivation thing that it does in other people. For the most part, it turns me even more sluggish and apathetic. It really is like a war is waging on inside of my own mind and it drives me nuts. Especially as I am currently dealing with some of the heaviest stress-inducers in life.

I'm scared. I will be as honest as I can be with that. I think I would be stupid and crazy not to be. I always thought that being an adult as a kid was going to be awesome. I would get to live my life however I saw fit. I know this isn't a breakthrough in human thinking and that everyone has thought the same thing in life. I am merely putting it out there for my own sake because these words and ideas that I am laying out here have always been up in my brain and now I need something tangible to grasp onto.

I'm sure when I get older and past this stage of my life, I will look back and think that I was crazy to worry. That I was glad things worked out the way it did. I can say the same thing as I look back on my high school self. I killed myself for good grades and to do as much as I could to get into this school that I know loathe and cannot wait to escape.

But like my mom says, "You are the one who got yourself into this mess. No one could tell you different. You were going to go to that school no matter what anybody said."

And she was right. I had all these dreams and aspirations. I was going to go to Mines and kick butt. I was going to be one of the best geologists the world had seen. I believed I could do it and that I loved my field of study so much that nothing could stop me.

Nerd detour: if I was a rock, I would be limestone. Highly unstable and susceptible to the elements of nature. So if my environment changes for the worst, then I am pretty much ruined.

And my sub-class would be Tufa because why not?

Sorry for the ADHD, but I just needed to throw that out there so others could understand how my brain thinks. (Seriously, it astonishes me how many friends I do have and that you all still talk to me. You should have ran away when you had the chance)

I think what I am getting at here is that I have no clue how this whole thing is going to turn out and that scares me. The important thing that I need to remember is that I do have awesome family and friends. I know when it comes to my family, I am not the best at anything (communication, letting you know how much I love you all, being present for things, visiting, etc.) and I need to change. I am working on it. I promise. But luckily I know that you all have patience for me and that you all love me.

In closing, thank you.