Finding The True Definition To Vanguard.

vanguard |ˈvanˌgärd|

noun

1. a group of people leading the way in new developments or ideas: the experimental spirit of the modernist vanguard.
2. a position at the forefront of new developments or ideas: the prototype was in the vanguard of technical development.
3. the foremost part of an advancing army or naval force.

I never knew that this word would follow me around my entire life, but it has. It always amazes me that the human mind decides to focus on certain themes and occurrences depending on whatever is going on in your life at the time. This would be one of those times for me. 

I am going to be upfront and honest about what this post is about since I am trying to define vanguard within my own life. In case you didn't know about certain events within my life recently, here is the major announcement. I, Geoffrey Mason, am gay. Always have been. Always will be.  I haven't written those words down in a status update or in a post until now. There have been references and of course, my recent relationship change to Mr. Kenneth Averell has definitely clued in a lot of people. 

I understand that this announcement doesn't sit well with a lot of people. Especially those who are close to me in my family, a few in the Christian community and of course some who are in the military and ROTC. Of course this isn't easy to take for them, but it also isn't easy for me to deal with the rejection that goes along with it. I am a strong individual on most accounts and this is definitely a test to see how strong my emotional fortitude is as it seems many have turned their back on me. 

Let me first say that me being gay has not affected my relationship with Christ whatsoever. In fact, I feel like it has strengthened it and I do know that He still loves me and I love Him. I was saved when I was twelve years old and from that moment our bond has never been broken nor will it ever be. When I first started to notice that I had strong feelings for men, I was scared and confused, which is why I suppressed and hid it for so long. I prayed with all my might for God to take these feelings away and felt that if I was a better Christian then he would answer my prayers. That never happened because I realized that wasn't the prayer I was supposed to be praying. I know now that all God wanted me to do was accept my identity and trust that He would still love me. This realization took me the better part of ten years. 

I understand that there will still be backlash and if you do care to discuss my identity in Christ more, then you can feel free to privately message me and I will get back to you. I say this as a warning because if you attack me with comments publicly, you can be sure that I have plenty of friends and family who are willing to stick up for me. I am strong and will politely reply back, but I can't say the same for those who love me.

Moving on to the main point of this post, let me go back and explain why the word vanguard keeps coming up in my life. For about 8 years of my life, I went to Vanguard Church in Colorado Springs, CO. The church is pastored by Mr. Kelly Williams, who is one of the most influential pastors that I know. He is right up there with my uncle, Mr. Mark Landess of Nor'wood Bible Church and Mr. Chad Bennett of Monett Community Church. All of these men, along with inspirational youth pastors (Mr. Kutter Calloway and Mr. Dave May) have all had their hand in helping me grow in my relationship with Christ. At Vanguard, I went through the years of youth service, Wednesday night Bible studies, Saturday and Sunday Services, volunteering, making coffee, Vacation Bible School...on and on...I loved going to Church and growing with others while serving the Lord. It was one of my favorite places to be and looking back on it now, it is something I miss terribly. 

Going to one service at Vanguard, any one would realize that it is not like any "normal" church. The greeters are warm and welcoming, there is a cafe to get your morning boost of espresso (just in case the Spirit of Christ wasn't enough to perk you up on Sunday), the worship music (oh my gosh, the worship music of Fike & Dana), the pastor's words that directly hit you at your core and left you a changed person forever...all of these things were exactly what Vanguard was about. They were the cutting edge and they wanted to be at the front lines of the souls for others. Their mission statement is exactly what has been implanted into my own life's mission statement. "To love others into a REAL relationship with Christ."I sadly haven't been doing a good job of that, but I am working on it. All of this is to say that Vanguard instilled in me a need to want to be on the front lines of whatever issues were at my heart and to stand strong for my convictions. My sexual orientation is a conviction of mine and I will stand strong on this issue.

There have been a lot of people who have told me to start separate Facebook profiles so that I can keep my personal affairs separate from others who may potentially not agree with my "lifestyle choice". I put that in quotations for those who think that a different sexual orientation is a choice. It is not a choice. It is part of someone's unconscious identity. It grows as a part of you just like your eye color stays with you for your entire life. No one got to choose that identity. It just is a part of who they are. My answer to creating separate profiles is easy. It won't happen. This is my identity and I am not hiding it from anyone. When I look back at my life, I want to know that I was strong in my own convictions and that I was on the forefront of this issue. There will always be bigots, racists, chauvinists, etc. in life. There is no getting around that. It is how you deal with them that matters and this is how I am deciding to deal with them. 

Now from what I have said before, it may seem as if I have had a terrible time coming out, but that is not the case. I have been pleasantly surprised by how people have reacted to the news. I can't tell you how blessed I am to have the friends and family in my life who have been there for me and who have poured out their love to make sure I am comforted. I cannot thank you all enough for what you do. 

And to wrap up this very long post, I would like to talk about my future and one of the biggest blessings in my life thus far. As mentioned before, I am now in a relationship with Mr. Kenneth Averell and it has been a whirlwind ever since we met. When I was at one of the worst moments in my life, he came in and helped me to regain some purpose in it. With him, I feel safe and secure. The future looks bright when I talk to him and that's exactly how it should feel. 

With love to all,

Geoffrey 

P.S. And Lord, if you could please listen to the video below, I think David Crowder does a good job of expressing my thanks to you! 

Procrastinating Bum

It's times like this that I wonder why I intentionally bring myself to dread, fear and pain. I knew this was coming, but OH NO, I just had to procrastinate. See present self is yelling at former self wondering why he was such a lazy bum and didn't do his work. Lazy past self mumbles something about the joys of laying in bed and relaxing. And it is at this moment that present self tries to murder past self because he was such a selfish jerk, but alas he can't because past self lives in a different time and present self hasn't learned how to conquer quantum mechanics (although if present self did learn quantum mechanics, suddenly his problems wouldn't be so bad as he would be rich and famous).

Diagram of how I treat every single assignment

So now present self is thinking he's all bad and tough because he was SO productive today. The problem though is he thinks about how much better his situation would be if he had done it when he was supposed to do it and how much free time he could be having now. His whole world open to the vast possibilities of wonder and excitement. No late nights staying up studying and trying to get work done just so he can pass classes, but instead EXCEL in them.

No. No, this is not what the current situation is. And it makes present self very sad...that is all.

Stress

I'm not good at handling stress. In fact, it is the one thing that I wish I never had in my life. I know there are doctors out there who say that there is "good" stress and it kicks us into high gear and makes us better human beings and toughens us and yada yada yada...

Truth is, I feel that much of my adult life has seen nothing but stress. Most of this stress (if not all of it) is my fault and I do take responsibility for that. The problem is that my stress doesn't cause this induced-fear-panic-motivation thing that it does in other people. For the most part, it turns me even more sluggish and apathetic. It really is like a war is waging on inside of my own mind and it drives me nuts. Especially as I am currently dealing with some of the heaviest stress-inducers in life.

I'm scared. I will be as honest as I can be with that. I think I would be stupid and crazy not to be. I always thought that being an adult as a kid was going to be awesome. I would get to live my life however I saw fit. I know this isn't a breakthrough in human thinking and that everyone has thought the same thing in life. I am merely putting it out there for my own sake because these words and ideas that I am laying out here have always been up in my brain and now I need something tangible to grasp onto.

I'm sure when I get older and past this stage of my life, I will look back and think that I was crazy to worry. That I was glad things worked out the way it did. I can say the same thing as I look back on my high school self. I killed myself for good grades and to do as much as I could to get into this school that I know loathe and cannot wait to escape.

But like my mom says, "You are the one who got yourself into this mess. No one could tell you different. You were going to go to that school no matter what anybody said."

And she was right. I had all these dreams and aspirations. I was going to go to Mines and kick butt. I was going to be one of the best geologists the world had seen. I believed I could do it and that I loved my field of study so much that nothing could stop me.

Nerd detour: if I was a rock, I would be limestone. Highly unstable and susceptible to the elements of nature. So if my environment changes for the worst, then I am pretty much ruined.

And my sub-class would be Tufa because why not?

Sorry for the ADHD, but I just needed to throw that out there so others could understand how my brain thinks. (Seriously, it astonishes me how many friends I do have and that you all still talk to me. You should have ran away when you had the chance)

I think what I am getting at here is that I have no clue how this whole thing is going to turn out and that scares me. The important thing that I need to remember is that I do have awesome family and friends. I know when it comes to my family, I am not the best at anything (communication, letting you know how much I love you all, being present for things, visiting, etc.) and I need to change. I am working on it. I promise. But luckily I know that you all have patience for me and that you all love me.

In closing, thank you.